[ So does Rose. Unfortunately, that's not working out for her so well these days. Only so much you can do when you're a literal monster, she supposes... ]
I've never been able to do that, [ she admits, folding her arms behind her head and leaning back to lay on the blanket. ] Just never had that oomph, really.
[ She remembers all the guys she pined for in Haven and how none of them had worked out. It was always someone else or not the right time or... One was fifteen, which. She felt very deceived, she'll have you know. ]
[He flops backwards, head propped up as he takes another long drag. Yes, okay, he's hitting it real heavy for someone who hasn't smoked in 6 months, but he wants to go straight from this cave to fuckin' space. He starts his next sentence on the exhale, flicking the joint a bit in his fingers.]
The trick is, you just go in and take what you want. You see somethin' you like, you go for it. Don't wait for the world to hand you shit.
[Morals, who's that, he doesn't know her.]
Take everything your gay little hands can carry. Boys, money, clothes, ect. Ya dig?
[ Meanwhile, Rose is taking things slow and steady to win this race. Not that she... thinks it is a race or is too keen on 'winning' these days.
Still. What he's saying, it makes sense. To a degree. ]
I did that with Faith, [ she admits. ] Before, I just... never knew what to do? I'd just kind of like people and not say anything and think they probaly deserved better than me anyway.
But then she came along and. I don't know, dude. I didn't want to let that pass by like the rest.
[ Like a silk moth drawn to phoenix flame, Rose was smitten. She's had plenty of time to get over that loss and move on but she'll always remember. ]
But it blew up in my face and now I feel like I'm back to square one.
[Usually, this is not a conversation he'd be interested in having. Especially with someone where his primary memory of them is getting his throat ripped out. But he's not giving in to that. He's here to get really blasted and talk about how great he is and... I dunno, nowadays, it's looking like giving good advice. Or bad advice. High advice?
He's thinking too hard about this.]
So who cares, right? All that shit about relationships making you whole, or whatever? It's crap. If they don't want you, who needs 'em.
[Which is... getting hard to believe when he has a boyfriend who freely says how much he loves him. Still doesn't really know how to process that one.]
You've probably got like, skills 'n stuff. And if all else fails, now we have this, so now I don't need feelings.
[He tips his hand with the joint in it like a weird toast to no one in particular.]
[ It's not one Rose would be interested in having either but something about smoking makes her just a bit more loose-tongued than usual. The devil's lettuce makes her get more in touch with her feelings, apparently, not less. Or maybe it detaches her from the actual emotion and allows her to talk more freely about it all?
Who fucking knows, man. She takes another long drag off her joint after 'toasting' as well, this time toying with making smoke rings when she inhales. She's not very good at it but definitely gotten better. ]
If only it made nightmares go away, [ she says idly, thinking about what he is despite her best attempts not to. ] That'd be nice, right?
[ They could forget about what happened in the dreamscape or at least not care. Even blazed out of her mind, Rose wishes she could not care about the fact that she tore out his throat and left him for dead in the horrors of her sleeping mind. ]
[Honestly, it's been so long since Taako's been able to let loose that it might actually be lowering something. Or at least it's making him less willing to get off this increasingly comfortable blanket and pillow and leave this conversation, so he guesses he has to keep having it.
He sits up just a bit, blowing some of the smoke into his hand and shaping it with Prestidigitation, idly not thinking about what he's making. It shifts, between a sphere, into a duck, into a heart-- which he then closes his hand over, the smoke escaping through his fingers.]
You have absolutely no idea, buddy.
[He's silent, a few more moments. He could just not do this. He could just-- be decent to himself and ignore this and get blasted and stumble home to consume all the food located there. But he doesn't. He rolls over on his side, shuffles around for the tupperware he brought, and pops one open to fish out a brownie, not looking at her as he speaks.]
Y'know, that whole fight arena thing isn't nearly the worst thing I've dreamt up. Did not register a major event on the Taako scale of brain garbage. If you're beating yourself up about it.
[ That's... It doesn't actually do a lot to clear her conscience but she appreciates it all the same. Rose continues to stare at the ceiling of the cave contemplatively as she considers his words. ]
Wasn't a dream, [ she decides to finally say. Just like him, she's weighing the pros and cons of saying anything at all. But, what the hell. He deserves to know after living her nightmare. ] I mean, you being there was but... That was my life for a while.
[ Not a very good way to live, she knows. Still. He's apparently been through worse, which. Rose isn't sure if that makes all this worse or better. Her bet's on the former. ]
So don't worry, I'm not beating myself up over you just... Was a bad time, dude. Super bad. Really fucking bad. Can't change it though.
[He hums around the brownie in his mouth, shifting in a little wiggling motion to get comfortable again. Everyone's got demons behind them. He knows he does. Yeah, it wasn't a deathmatch ring, but as a nightmare it's not as horrifying. His night terrors are worse. Plenty of ones he was forced into during that event were worse. Even now, he grinds his teeth a bit too hard for what he's eating thinking about Lup's incorporeal form hovering over him while he cried, nails digging bloody scratches into his arms. Could have been worse. He's lived worse.]
I mean yeah, as a life, it sucks. But you made it, right?
[He sucks in another puff, exhaling slowly into a billowing cloud.]
Y'do what it takes to survive. I get that. Just another day in the shitshow.
[He could have killed her. Should have. He had impossibly powerful spells, could have disintegrated her entirely and it would have been over. But he doesn't say that.
If he's lucky, she already knows, and understands that he showed mercy.]
You make the best with what you got, yeah. At least that's what I try to do.
[ It can hard though sometimes. Especially when it feels like what she has can only be used against her, can only make the wounds re-open and fester painfully. For as much as she understands the gods and is behind them in ways not many people would be, she can't help but harbor a little resentment for the way their emotions can be changed on a whim. How things so unassuming as dreams can be used to hurt her even more than they already do. As if she didn't have enough nightmares about the things she's done, now they gotta' include other people too.
Not fucking cool.
And she does know because she would have killed him too or died trying. Despite how much she claims she isn't that person anymore, it was frightening just how fast she'd snapped back into the mentality. How it was her or him and in the moment of that snap decision she still chose herself. ]
It is. Sorry though, still. It's... Don't need to make it worse, y'know? We all got enough shit to deal with as is.
[Liar, some part of him thinks, as he raises the joint to his mouth again. Liar, you woke up coughing from how hard you were gripping your own throat. Liar, you crawled into your sister's bed for the rest of the night but did not sleep. Liar, she asked about the bruises in the morning and you had no answer.
He exhales thick, a cloud from a slack jaw.]
If I really, uh, held it against you, don't think I'd be here putting a delay on my spellcasting time like this in some secluded area with sweets I took the time to make. Which uh, speaking of, eat something, they're fuckin' rad and gonna be super gone in 20 min whether you do or not, so.
[ Liar, even Rose thinks. But only because she would be saying the same thing if she were in his position. She has been. She has spoken those words too.
The woman inhales deeply on her next hit and holds it until her lungs feel like they're on fire. Until the sensation is so similar to drowning that she can't stand it. Rose always found it ironic, really, that such icy water felt like it was burning her lungs from the inside out. When she exhales, it isn't without a hearty cough or two. ]
So we're cool? [ she finally asks, reaching over to take a brownie. It won't taste any good. That's not his fault, it's Kite's. Still. That's not a secret he needs to know just yet. Rose thinks they've covered plenty this lazy afternoon. ]
[He replies without looking at her. He doesn't owe her-- anything, really, no nugget of truth, no moments of wisdom from the truth of his life. Saying it makes it true. So he won't.
It's fine.]
Seriously, though, i'unno why you're so worried about me. Like I was gonna drag you out here to hunt you down for dream crimes.
[ It's better than Rose had hoped for. Not the brownie, that's- It goes down the same as everything, ashen and will sit like lead on her stomach for days to come. But that's a small price to pay for this time, this opportunity. ]
People have hunted me down for less, dude. Not that I thought you would, I just- I don't wanna' be that monster to people if I can help it. Spent a long time trying to avoid it.
[ Haven was a hiccup but she's done a lot better since then. ]
[He rolls his eyes a bit, but everything's starting to get that fuzzy look as he inhales deep. Thank god, it's about time he started feeling it.]
I mean, yeah, if you're runnin' around with claws n' shit, people might get the wrong idea. But the world as a whole? Also kinda sucks. So most shit can be attributed to that.
[He takes a bite of another brownie and lays his head back.]
Man I make good fucking brownies. Fuck. Someone hire me to be a pastry chef, fuck adventuring, this is all I wanna do effectively forever.
[Taako is in no way a pep talk kinda guy, considering he's shitty at cheering his own ass up even on a good day. But he rolls his eyes at her, his head following suit as he stares her down.]
If you keep callin' yourself a monster, other people are gonna start treatin' you that way. Don't just take that.
[This is like, how to be an asshole 101, starring an increasingly inebriated Taako who's been learning to ooze external confidence since he was a young kid.]
People wanna call you shit, you don't give 'em the satisfaction. You go be the shit, they got no choice but to respect you. Or you kick their ass.
[Small and clever, magic tricks on his fingers and running through his body. No room for anyone else's jabs at him, then.]
Find some fuckin' confidence or whatever. Or just fake it. But don't take it.
[ In that instant, she doesn't hear Taako but Hiruma. She remembers his biting words, how much they'd stung. But to them rung a certain sort of truth that she couldn't deny. Blunt and to the point but exactly what she needed to hear. The woman never imagined she'd meet anyone like him again, yet-
Here he is, not taking any of her shit the same sort of way as he did back then. ]
I'm usually pretty good at fakin' it, at least. Guess this place really has been getting to me. I'll get back to it. [ Back and better than ever, as so many music artists like to say. ] And maybe someday I'll actually believe it, right?
That'd be nice. In the meantime, at least other people will think I got my shit together.
Eventually ya got no choice. Say somethin' long enough and it's true. That's how truth works.
[He settles back down, wiggling a bit on the ground like a cat trying to get comfortable. His ears are hanging a bit low again as he takes another hit, breathing slower than when he started this venture.]
Just... don't give people ammo against ya. Full stop. You're on stage always, babe, might as well give 'em a fuckin' show.
[He punctuates it with a little wiggle of his fingers. For... emphasis, or something. God, he doesn't know anymore, he's just gonna do what he fucking wants.]
[ Is it? Is it really? Rose isn't so sure sshe believes that; after so long of telling herself she wasn't a demon, she still ended up succumbing to the monster inside her that she never wanted to be. She supposes that's more Kite's fault than her own, but- She has to wonder sometimes how much of it was him and how much of it was her own mental tricks and traps? It's hard to say. ]
Yeah, [ is all she says to that. ] It's about time I did another shitpost. I'll have to think of a good one...
[ Rose can relate to that. There's no one she lies to more than herself these days. ]
You, me, and Lup should form the new unholy trinity of shitposting. Honor Sans and Connor somehow. I think they'd want us to keep making people cringe. They'd probably appreciate that we held up the tradition.
[ Rose doesn't know about that. Things with Sans were always rocky, which... was just her much fault as anyone's. Connor was a nice guy, too, but they were never overly close.
But this sounds super promising, she's not gonna' lie. ]
I mean, hey, I got no family to speak of otherwise. [ Not anymore. ] I'm all for being adopted.
Oh please, if the app process was that easy we’d have way too big a fam to count. Nah, we’re talking a few months of trials, magic practice, the whole nine yards. Can’t let just anyone in that club.
[Took the rest of the schmucks with them well over 20 years. People don’t just get to have things, nope, not from the twins. He raises the joint and taps it a bit in his fingers.]
Though, uh, this? Really good start. Solid application fee.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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I've never been able to do that, [ she admits, folding her arms behind her head and leaning back to lay on the blanket. ] Just never had that oomph, really.
[ She remembers all the guys she pined for in Haven and how none of them had worked out. It was always someone else or not the right time or... One was fifteen, which. She felt very deceived, she'll have you know. ]
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The trick is, you just go in and take what you want. You see somethin' you like, you go for it. Don't wait for the world to hand you shit.
[Morals, who's that, he doesn't know her.]
Take everything your gay little hands can carry. Boys, money, clothes, ect. Ya dig?
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Still. What he's saying, it makes sense. To a degree. ]
I did that with Faith, [ she admits. ] Before, I just... never knew what to do? I'd just kind of like people and not say anything and think they probaly deserved better than me anyway.
But then she came along and. I don't know, dude. I didn't want to let that pass by like the rest.
[ Like a silk moth drawn to phoenix flame, Rose was smitten. She's had plenty of time to get over that loss and move on but she'll always remember. ]
But it blew up in my face and now I feel like I'm back to square one.
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He's thinking too hard about this.]
So who cares, right? All that shit about relationships making you whole, or whatever? It's crap. If they don't want you, who needs 'em.
[Which is... getting hard to believe when he has a boyfriend who freely says how much he loves him. Still doesn't really know how to process that one.]
You've probably got like, skills 'n stuff. And if all else fails, now we have this, so now I don't need feelings.
[He tips his hand with the joint in it like a weird toast to no one in particular.]
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Who fucking knows, man. She takes another long drag off her joint after 'toasting' as well, this time toying with making smoke rings when she inhales. She's not very good at it but definitely gotten better. ]
If only it made nightmares go away, [ she says idly, thinking about what he is despite her best attempts not to. ] That'd be nice, right?
[ They could forget about what happened in the dreamscape or at least not care. Even blazed out of her mind, Rose wishes she could not care about the fact that she tore out his throat and left him for dead in the horrors of her sleeping mind. ]
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He sits up just a bit, blowing some of the smoke into his hand and shaping it with Prestidigitation, idly not thinking about what he's making. It shifts, between a sphere, into a duck, into a heart-- which he then closes his hand over, the smoke escaping through his fingers.]
You have absolutely no idea, buddy.
[He's silent, a few more moments. He could just not do this. He could just-- be decent to himself and ignore this and get blasted and stumble home to consume all the food located there. But he doesn't. He rolls over on his side, shuffles around for the tupperware he brought, and pops one open to fish out a brownie, not looking at her as he speaks.]
Y'know, that whole fight arena thing isn't nearly the worst thing I've dreamt up. Did not register a major event on the Taako scale of brain garbage. If you're beating yourself up about it.
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Wasn't a dream, [ she decides to finally say. Just like him, she's weighing the pros and cons of saying anything at all. But, what the hell. He deserves to know after living her nightmare. ] I mean, you being there was but... That was my life for a while.
[ Not a very good way to live, she knows. Still. He's apparently been through worse, which. Rose isn't sure if that makes all this worse or better. Her bet's on the former. ]
So don't worry, I'm not beating myself up over you just... Was a bad time, dude. Super bad. Really fucking bad. Can't change it though.
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I mean yeah, as a life, it sucks. But you made it, right?
[He sucks in another puff, exhaling slowly into a billowing cloud.]
Y'do what it takes to survive. I get that. Just another day in the shitshow.
[He could have killed her. Should have. He had impossibly powerful spells, could have disintegrated her entirely and it would have been over. But he doesn't say that.
If he's lucky, she already knows, and understands that he showed mercy.]
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[ It can hard though sometimes. Especially when it feels like what she has can only be used against her, can only make the wounds re-open and fester painfully. For as much as she understands the gods and is behind them in ways not many people would be, she can't help but harbor a little resentment for the way their emotions can be changed on a whim. How things so unassuming as dreams can be used to hurt her even more than they already do. As if she didn't have enough nightmares about the things she's done, now they gotta' include other people too.
Not fucking cool.
And she does know because she would have killed him too or died trying. Despite how much she claims she isn't that person anymore, it was frightening just how fast she'd snapped back into the mentality. How it was her or him and in the moment of that snap decision she still chose herself. ]
It is. Sorry though, still. It's... Don't need to make it worse, y'know? We all got enough shit to deal with as is.
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[Liar, some part of him thinks, as he raises the joint to his mouth again. Liar, you woke up coughing from how hard you were gripping your own throat. Liar, you crawled into your sister's bed for the rest of the night but did not sleep. Liar, she asked about the bruises in the morning and you had no answer.
He exhales thick, a cloud from a slack jaw.]
If I really, uh, held it against you, don't think I'd be here putting a delay on my spellcasting time like this in some secluded area with sweets I took the time to make. Which uh, speaking of, eat something, they're fuckin' rad and gonna be super gone in 20 min whether you do or not, so.
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The woman inhales deeply on her next hit and holds it until her lungs feel like they're on fire. Until the sensation is so similar to drowning that she can't stand it. Rose always found it ironic, really, that such icy water felt like it was burning her lungs from the inside out. When she exhales, it isn't without a hearty cough or two. ]
So we're cool? [ she finally asks, reaching over to take a brownie. It won't taste any good. That's not his fault, it's Kite's. Still. That's not a secret he needs to know just yet. Rose thinks they've covered plenty this lazy afternoon. ]
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[He replies without looking at her. He doesn't owe her-- anything, really, no nugget of truth, no moments of wisdom from the truth of his life. Saying it makes it true. So he won't.
It's fine.]
Seriously, though, i'unno why you're so worried about me. Like I was gonna drag you out here to hunt you down for dream crimes.
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People have hunted me down for less, dude. Not that I thought you would, I just- I don't wanna' be that monster to people if I can help it. Spent a long time trying to avoid it.
[ Haven was a hiccup but she's done a lot better since then. ]
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I mean, yeah, if you're runnin' around with claws n' shit, people might get the wrong idea. But the world as a whole? Also kinda sucks. So most shit can be attributed to that.
[He takes a bite of another brownie and lays his head back.]
Man I make good fucking brownies. Fuck. Someone hire me to be a pastry chef, fuck adventuring, this is all I wanna do effectively forever.
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Most of the time. Maybe that's why she's still so here, still so raw.
Who knnows. ]
I don't, usually. I didn't for a long time. Just tried to live my life, y'know? Guess that's not allowed for monsters like me.
[ It sounds biting because it is. Rose is only slightly bitter, really. ]
I don't know though. World's not all bad. We're in it, aren't we? And with kickass brownies.
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If you keep callin' yourself a monster, other people are gonna start treatin' you that way. Don't just take that.
[This is like, how to be an asshole 101, starring an increasingly inebriated Taako who's been learning to ooze external confidence since he was a young kid.]
People wanna call you shit, you don't give 'em the satisfaction. You go be the shit, they got no choice but to respect you. Or you kick their ass.
[Small and clever, magic tricks on his fingers and running through his body. No room for anyone else's jabs at him, then.]
Find some fuckin' confidence or whatever. Or just fake it. But don't take it.
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Here he is, not taking any of her shit the same sort of way as he did back then. ]
I'm usually pretty good at fakin' it, at least. Guess this place really has been getting to me. I'll get back to it. [ Back and better than ever, as so many music artists like to say. ] And maybe someday I'll actually believe it, right?
That'd be nice. In the meantime, at least other people will think I got my shit together.
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[He settles back down, wiggling a bit on the ground like a cat trying to get comfortable. His ears are hanging a bit low again as he takes another hit, breathing slower than when he started this venture.]
Just... don't give people ammo against ya. Full stop. You're on stage always, babe, might as well give 'em a fuckin' show.
[He punctuates it with a little wiggle of his fingers. For... emphasis, or something. God, he doesn't know anymore, he's just gonna do what he fucking wants.]
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Yeah, [ is all she says to that. ] It's about time I did another shitpost. I'll have to think of a good one...
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Oh man, same. Lup and I got all kinds of ideas, we've just been busy. Gotta plan it to show off just right.
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You, me, and Lup should form the new unholy trinity of shitposting. Honor Sans and Connor somehow. I think they'd want us to keep making people cringe. They'd probably appreciate that we held up the tradition.
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[He doesn't know who either of those people are, but he knows what it's like to lose people. If she remembers them, they probably meant a lot.]
Don't tell me you're next in line to be applying to be our third sibling. It's a hard sell, lemme tell you.
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But this sounds super promising, she's not gonna' lie. ]
I mean, hey, I got no family to speak of otherwise. [ Not anymore. ] I'm all for being adopted.
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[Took the rest of the schmucks with them well over 20 years. People don’t just get to have things, nope, not from the twins. He raises the joint and taps it a bit in his fingers.]
Though, uh, this? Really good start. Solid application fee.
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Well, maybe here isn't such a bad place to be. It's not as comfortable it might otherwise usually be, but- Not terrible either. ]
Alright, well. It's not like I got any other shit to be doing around this place. Sign me the fuck up. Consider this my entrance fee paid, totally.
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